[Money-Searching, Soul-Searching]

Was written @1015hrs

Yeah, yesterday is a money-searching day..hee, sounds terrible eh? But that's what happened..ermm, I shouldn't elaborate here but I was really caught left, right, front and back. No way out and at my wit's end. Luckily, there's my beloved mother to rescue me (after the lengthy nagging, eheh!). Thanks, mom!

Thought the money-searching had indeed ended. But after my Maghrib prayer, was resting when I saw my rack of CDs under the PC- workstation covered in dust and the idea just struck me there and then. Going thru the stacks of Westlife, N Sync, Savage Garden, The Corrs, Ricky Martin and endless list of unlistened CDs, I arranged and packed them off. Where to? Where else but the Cash Converters shop to make some money. heh!

Make a quick call to my mom to arrange to meet somewhere and I headed for the shop. And guess how much I earned? Nearly $50 for those 23 CDs, not bad eh? I wasn't expecting much especially after watching the lady before me selling CDs too and managed to sell them off only at $0.50 per piece. I was quite disappointed and started to figure out at what price will my CDs sell. Later I found out the CDs the lady was selling are not original ones and had to be sold at lower prices. Fuhh, lucky mine were ori eh? So there I was walking out of the shop $50-richer. hee..

Rush off to meet my parents for dinner...ermm, a very rare occassion. But quite touching indeed. Well, I know it's just a dinner at KFC. As my relationship had never been better with my parents. We were not close before and have even been on not-talking terms. But it got better lately. I know I've been quite bitter as a daughter. Keras kepala! Tak pernah dengar cakap my parents. I'm always in the right. And I also felt that my parents aren't treating me fair as a daughter. They have always been on my brothers side. I'm been denied a lot of attention. And that really made me despise them. But as time goes by, I realised that love and attention is something that I couldn't demand. It comes naturally. So if my parents love my brothers more than me, so let it be. I learnt to accept the fact.

But since, my brothers got married (especially my 2nd bro, Abang Izal), they got closer to me. Well, I'm the only left there..hee..We can now eat and talk together. And this has been such a relief to me. No matter how far you go and where you are, you still got your family to turn to right? I also had this feeling that when I've things on my mind, I just want to be close with my mom. Even though, I sometimes don't share my problems with her but knowing she's always near is indeed a warm feeling.

~Just a day more till my "terkezut" holiday! *S*

[Back-post edition 4 - Menadah Gerimis]

29th June 2003

1924 hrs

Song that best conveys my feelings at the moment..ermm..

Menadah Gerimis

Bagaikan terdengarnya suara

Menghakis mengikis naluri

Mengeruhkan jernih suasana

Dan merentap harapan

Tiada erti aku merindu

Jika kau tak ingin bertemu

Apa gunanya bercinta di dalam kepura-puraan

Yang lafaz cinta hanya bibir

Namun diri tak seringnya hadir

Di saat engkau diperlukan... Aku hampa

Usah dikelirukan cinta

Yang terkusut jiwa merana

Jangan dengan separuh hati

Diri ini kau cintai

Usahlah renung hanya di mata

Benamkanlah ke dasar hati

Renunganmu telusnya pasti

Berarasy ke syurga cinta

Menanti kunjungan hampir pasti

Mengharap titis embun pagi

Dan bagai menadah gerimis

Yang masih pulang pergi

[Sunday morning quiz]

29th Jun 2003

1127 hrs


You are a David Weinberger.

You are smart, savvy, interested in why people do what they do,
enjoy questioning yourself and are not balding.
Take the What Blogging Archetype Are You test at GAZM.org

Came across it here!

[When the tv box when on strike...]

28th Jun 2003

2236 hrs

Tonight, my house seems so peaceful. All because the tv box called for a strike earlier this afternoon. It went all quiet and no pictures can be seen except for greyish flakes. My grandma was all worried. The tv is her idea of entertainment, to pass her time. With all those dramas, sitcom and especially those morning shows on TV3 (erkss, forgotten what's the show title. Enlighten me, anyone?) So when the tv broke down this afternoon, she was pestering me to do something about it. So I checked the wires and connection. Apparently the fault did not lie with my tv set. It's the antenna connection in the building. Nothing can be done except to wait and see.

And all this resulted in a quiet evening for my family. But it has its good. As there's no entertainment at home, I decide to drag my mom along with me to the bazaar just across the road. And after that, while waiting for isya, I sit down and chatted with my grandparents (which I haven't done for quite some time. Blame it on the very limited time that I had with working and etc..etc..). We chatted for quite a while. After isya prayers, my grandma stayed in the room and chatted with me. And when my parents came back, they joined us too.

So kind of quality time spend eh?

Anyway, last evening the activity that my colleagues and I had been planning for the past weeks took place. Should say it went ok except that our bosses do not arrive in time to pay our entrance fees to the Asian Civilisation Museums. So we end up waiting there till 3 in the afternoon. But the hi-tea was ok. The pastries served were nice and the free-flow which came at a price in the first place was given to us free. So it's really a free flow hee..

I will be out of the country next week. A terkezut planned-holiday. Actually I'm supposed to leave today, but too kelam kabut for me with my bag not packed and tix not bought. So after some re-planning, it set to be mid-week. Yihaa! Holiday again..*S*

[Back-post edition 3 - Quarter Life Crisis]

26th Jun 2003

2335 hrs


Since my day at the office today is just a normal day, I've decided to post this article which was forwarded to my office mailbox early this afternoon.

THEY call it the "Quarter-life Crisis". It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two,but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.

What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but they are as confused as you.

You look at your job? And it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinion have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.

One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life.

You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is noting to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better.

Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know you aren't a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself?

And while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it.

We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.

So, any of you guys suffering from that? ermm..i do have some of the symptoms..shucks!! But hey..! I'm not suffering from any crisis..!

Tomorrow, my department is going on an outing. (yipee!!) So it'll be only a half day work us. Right after lunch, all the staff will be out including me. We'll be visiting the Asian Civilisations Museums and after that to the Merchant Court Hotel for some hi-tea. Great eh..? But at 9am, I'll have a meeting to attend to. And I'm not asleep yet?! Gulp!! Well, I intended to sleep early but will have to wait for him. Needs to discuss some things with me.

Ciao!

Back-post edition 2 - Cinta dan Rindu

26th Jun 2003

1026 hrs

Memendam rasa cinta dan rindu yang tak terluah sungguh menyeksakan...

[Back-post edition 1 - Which Cartoon Character Are You?]

25th Jun 2003

1300 hrs

Ever wonder which cartoon character you are most like? Well, a team of

researchers got together and analyzed the personalities of cartoon

characters. The gathered information has been incorporated into this quiz.

Answer each question with the choice that most describes you at this point

in your life, then add up the points that correspond with answers.

1) Which describes your perfect date?

a) Candlelight dinner for two

b) Amusement Park

c) Roller blading in the park

d) Rock Concert

e) See a movie

2) What is your favorite type of music?

a) Rock and Roll

b) Alternative

c) Soft Rock

d) Classical

e) Popular

3) What is your favorite type of movie?

a) Comedy

b) Horror

c) Musical

d) Romance

e) Documentary

4) Which of the following jobs would you choose if you ere given only

these Choices?

a) Waiter/Waitress

b) Sports Player

c) Teacher

d) Policeman

e) Bartender

5) Which would you rather do if you had an hour to waste?

a) Work out

b) Read

c) Watch TV

d) Listen to the radio

e) Sleep

6) Of the following colors, which do you like the best?

a) Yellow

b) White

c) Sky blue

d) Teal

e) Red

7) Which one of the following would you! like to eat right now?

a) Ice cream

b) Pizza

c) Sushi

d) Pasta

e) Salad

8) Which is your favorite holiday?

a) Halloween

b) Christmas

c) New Year's

d) Valentine's Day

e) Thanksgiving

9) If you could go to any of the following places, which ould it be?

a) Paris

b) Spain

c) Las Vegas

d) Hawaii

e) Hollywood

10) Of the following, who would you rather spend time with?

a) Someone who is smart

b) Someone with good looks

c) Someone who is a party animal

d) Someone who has fun all the time

e) Someone who is very emotional

Now total up your points and find your character below:

1. a-4 b-2 c-5 d-1 e-3

2. a-2 b-1 c-4 d-5 e-3

3. a-2 b-1 c-3 d-4 e-5

4. a-4 b-5 c-3 d-2 e-1

5. a-5 b-4 c-2 d-1 e-3

6. a-1 b-5 c-3 d-2 e-4

7. a-3 b-2 c-1 d-4 e-5

8. a-1 b-3 c-2 d-4 e-5

9. a-4 b-5 c-1 d-4 e-3

10. a-5 b-2 c-1 d-3 e-4

(10-17 points) You are TAZ:

You are wild and crazy and you know it. You know how to have Fun, but you may take it to extremes. You know what you are doing though, and are much in control of your own life. People don't always see things your way, but that doesn't mean that you should do away with your beliefs. Try to remember that your wild spirit can lead to hurting yourself and others.

(18-26 points) You are Bugs Bunny:You are fun, friendly, and popular. You are a real crowd pleaser. You have probably been out on the town your share of times, yet you come home with the values that your mother taught you. Marriage and children are important to you, but only after you have fun. Don't let the people you please influence you to stray.Don't let your passion for romance get confused with the real thing.You are a best friend that no one takes the chance of losing. You never hurt feelings. You are serious about all commitments

(27-34 points) You are Tweety:You are cute, and everyone loves you. You are a best friend that no one takes the chance of losing. You never hurt feelings and seldom have your own feelings hurt. Life is a breeze. You are witty, and calm most of the time.Just keep clear of back stabbers, and you are worry-free.

*heh! Me a Tweety! Had always like Tweety, hee..*

(35-42 points) You are Peppe Le Pew: (without the smell)You are a lover. Romance, flowers, and wine are all you need to enjoy yourself. You are serious about all commitments. A family person. You call your Mom every Sunday, and never forget a Birthday. Don't let your passion for romance get confused with the real thing.

(43-50 points) You are Speedy Gonzales: You are smart, a real thinker. Every situation is approached with a plan.You are very healthy in mind and body. You teach strong family Values.Keep your feet planted in them, but don't overlook a bad situation when it does happen.

1252 hrs


Trying to look unhurt when you are is really a hard job,

Trying to smile when your heart is breaking is as hard too,

Trying to laugh when you're sad is neither too easy,

But that is what I'm doing. Looking unhurt,smiling and laughing when my heart is hurting, breaking and crying..

So who say life is easy?

Hurt.

But..ermm, nevermind.

2304 hrs

Well, well..it's Tuesday now. And tomorrow will be Wednesday eh? So half of the battle won? haha..that's my usual thought. Once it's Wednesday, weekend is not too far away. But don't you think time now doesn't fly but it zoom off like a rocket. Before you know it, Ramadhan is going to be here..bringing Syawal with it...erkss, it's scary. Now, stop that thought at once!

Now, what was in mind just now? oohh, was on my way back from the office just now when I saw a group of young girls playing hide and seek at the void deck. And all of sudden, it striked me. How carefree their lives are. No worries, no bills to pay for, no office to go to. Just play, play and play. How I really miss my childhood. Not to say that I've the greatest time when I was a child (I grow up with 2 big bullies of all time..haha) but minus all the worries and problems life is giving me now, I'll give anything to have my childhood back. But come to think of it, you can't do much thing when you are young right? No shopping, no money of your own to spent, no going on holidays on my own..eheh. So be it in my childhood time or now, we got to be grateful for what we had. Kalau kita susah, ada yang lebih susah dari kita, betul tak? But how weird it is don't you think so..when you were young, you really want to grow up, working (don't tell me you never once pretend you were working in an office, with files in your hands..I'm guilty of that..*blush*) But now I really wish I'm still in school. Study is all the work need to be done. The rest shall be taken care of the parents. But life as a student is not too easy nowadays too, right? So what should it be?

ermm..can I move on..hee..This is totally a different subject I'm breaching on. Well, TV::ISM made it's debut on tv tonite. It's a show which talks about music. But in a different aspects where they don't just potray an artist but what goes behind it. Their thinking, work and aspiration. And all other factors which influenced the music industries. Even though this show is potrayed in a serious format but with it's 3 interesting host: Najip - Spore, Sarah Sechan - Indonesia and Afdlin Shauki(my favorite!) - Msia, makes the show all more interesting. I never really sit down and watch musical show but this one sure will get me hooked.

Lately I also heard about Akademi Fantasia, which was shown in Astro channel? (correct me if I'm wrong here). This show is very similar to American Idol. Not sure if it's shown in Msia. But it's shown here and the rating is quite high for every show. It's a programme which potrays new talents. They will performed and be judged. And at the end of it all, the one with the least votes will be kicked out. But the judges in American Idol can be really hard on you. They can bring you down so hard that it really hurt. But think it's different with Akademi Fantasia...ermm, can't comment much on it cause the show is not shown here.

opss, me babble too much eh? ermm..hee..just getting it out of the system.

1325 hrs



Which [Smallville] Characters are you?



nyehh..I'm Lana! eheh..!! Picked it up from here.



Which [Movie Genres] are you?


Some interesting *read "useless"* facts:

1) Butterflies taste with their feet.

2) A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

3) In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

4) On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

5) Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

6) Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

7) It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.

8) Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

9) Its physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

10) The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year

because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight

of all the books that would occupy the building.

11) A snail can sleep for three years.

12) Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears

never stop growing. - SCARY!!!

13) The electric chair was invented by a

dentist.

14) All polar bears are left-handed.

15) In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

16) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

17) TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

18) Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow!

(sheesh! I did that..haha!)

0930 hrs

Miss this on my entry last night.

Received an email from a good friend of mine last Friday. Nak kata disturbing tu taklah, coz she's a very good friend of mine. She's been there thru everything, my happy moments and thru the heartbreaks. But nevertheless, email ni sedikit sebanyak have the impact on me. I was very disturbed. Ketenangan aku yang tak seberapa sejak kebelakangan ni makin teruja. Aku tak nafikan her worries and concern. And I don't blame her too. But it just got me thinking. And I'm worried too. Bingung..tapi perkara ni dapat aku tepikan sampailah hari ni. Tetiba je aku terfikir balik. Entahlah, buat masa ni aku belum rancangkan tindakan apa yang aku nak ambil. Let it be firstlah for the time being. Let time be the judge.

Nano, appreciate your concern and worries here. You're the best friend I've ever had. You've always been there for me. And I know you don't want to see me hurt. I'll see what I can do about this. Or I will just let it take it's own course. Nevertheless, thanks for everything.

Got this feeling of butterflies in the stomach, like as if I'm worried about something. But about what...

I'm clueless...


Current book: Arca Kasih - Norzailina Nordin

Current music: radio@ERA

Current mood: Clueless

0001 hrs

huh! Baru boleh update. Thought of updating at 10 pm tadi, tapi tak boleh access plak. Server busy!

Anyway, sekarang ni pun baru dapat semangat nak update. Naper eh..ermm,nampak kelibat "Monday Blues" nak menyapa ni. Isk! Eh tapi, do you realise that penyakit monday blues ni takkan melanda kalau we don't think about it? As for bintangsepi, ada monday blues tak since you started work? eheh!

eh, back to my topic.Jauh plak melalut..This thing actually had been in mind since last friday. But never just got the mood to sit down, think and write about it. Lagipun, my house had been flooded with relatives since they knew about my grandpa's health.

Last Friday, after meeting Nenny to get those new-arrival library books (yipee!) and the handphone, we had dinner at Burger King. Me, Nenny and her sis. Nenny was telling about her job which include telling stories to younger kids at community libraries (errr..i got the facts correct Nen?) Our conversation goes:

Nen's younger sis: Do the kids listen to you?

Nen: Hey, they do. And I know how to make them listen.

(We laughed)

Me: So what did you read to them? Cinderella? Those kinda of fairy tales which begins with "Once upon a time.." and ended with "..they lived happily ever after?"

Nen: Naa, kids nowadays don't go for that kind of stories lah..

Nen's younger sis: Yeah, now you see got what..Harry Potter lah, Finding Nemo.

Me: Yeah, they don't go for those..what, (quoting one fairytale here, shucks..forgotten what it is..) i huffed, and puffed and bring your house down..!

That conversation just got stuck in my mind all the way back home. What a different the way we (the "veterans..eheh!) and the kids nowadays were brought up. And this just influence the way we were brought up and the way kids nowadays were brought up. Just how lucky they are!

So end of story..thought I got some more to tell? ermm..guess that it's.

My mind was in a turmoil just now, but feel better now. But anyway, got to prepare myself. Might be going up to KL anytime soon. Just waiting for the call. So worried..

Monday is here again..bah!! Got to get some sleep now. Have a good Monday, not a bluey one!

Note: Guess our life is not fairy tale eh..when there's always a handsome prince to save the princess and they live happily ever after..heh!

erkss! Got only a measly $12 after selling my electronic typewriter at the Cash Convertor shop, cehh! But it's still money eh, but $12??!! urhh, nevermind!

What's your usual [mood]?

What Finding Nemo Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

0950 hrs

[Keeping busy..]

Staring at the white screen, I do have the urge to write. But about what? My mind is as blank as this white notepad screen. So what should it be..?

Anyway, login to pusat karya,melayu.com this morning. Just to check out the comments on the diary entry that I sent. Comments from sayangdia,akimahen: for me to write again. Is not that I don't want to. I tried too, but each time my mind just won't work. Jalan cerita tu rasa hambar je, macam di paksa-paksa.. But I did manage to finish some stories. Only maybe it is not as good as Aku Cinta PadaMu, Kamal Hisham. Insyallah, I will still send my cerpen. When I get over this writer's blog, eh..?

So what else..? (just wonder why I always get this urge to write when I'm at the office..*wonder, wonder..*) Anyway, at this moment me and 2 of my colleagues are busy planning a Healthy Lifestyle activity for our department. It is sort of a monthly activity where the staff got a half day off on a working day to go out of the office for outdoor activities organised. But it's been awhile since the activities had been stopped due the our busy period (closing of the financial year) and with the SARs virus going around. And now, we have decided to organise it once again. So far, my department had went on a trip to Sentosa, Esplanade, Jurong BirdPark, Marina and Bishan Park. And I've involved in organising these activities several time. And this time, we are organising a trip to Asian Civilisation Museum which will be on 27th June 2003. The responses have been good so far.

hmm, all this activities and work had kept me busy and that is good. To keep my mind off things. Sekarang ni, aku seolah-olah takut untuk sendiri, takut kalau aku ada masa terluang. Sebab aku tahu, perasaan resah tu akan menghantui andainya aku bersendiri. Aku nak halau jauh-jauh perasaan tu. Akan aku cuba bertahan selagi mampu..

Ya Allah, berilah kekuatan pada ku..

Will be meeting Nenny tonite. Will getting some books and the handphone I just bought from her. Thought of meeting her yesterday but was thinking, since I'm not working tomorrow why not meeting tonite. At least, takdelah penat sangat kan..?

So guys, have a good Friday!

2211 hrs

Fikiran jadi kacau,

Tak tentu hala tujunya..

Sebentar aku mungkin tersenyum dan tertawa..

Sebentar lagi aku diamuk gelisah..

Setiap saat ku rasakan lama..

Bagai masa tiada berlalu..

Masa, cepatlah kau berlalu pergi..

Bawa bersama gelisah ini..

Kembalikan musim bahagia ku..

Biar senyum ini jujur ertinya..

Biar tawa ini luhur isinya..

Bukan mengukir senyum di bibir,

Namun hati berlagu sendu,

Bukan tawa mengiringi bicara,

Namun jiwa tersiksa pedih..

Sampai bila harus ku terhukum begini..

Hari-hari yang ku lalui bagaikan mati..

Aku bagaikan tiada bernyawa

Yang wujud hanyalah jasadku..

Namun jiwa dan hati ku telah lama bermukim di situ..

Di daerah sendu itu..

Dapatkah aku kembali mencapai bahagia..

Yang bagaikan jauh dari gapaian..

Hanya padaNya aku bermohon...

2210 mlm..

ermm..dah lama rasanya tak menulis secara spontan cam nie. Selalu karangan aku akan di karang..maknanya aku cari masa untuk duduk dan berfikir. Semata-mata untuk tulis karangan yang camtu. Tapi ni spontan jek...ermm, itu tandanya hati aku tak tenang. Dah lama rasanya ketenangan ni dah tak wujud dalam diri. Cuma malas aku nak fikir-fikirkan sangat. Letih rasanya. Insyallah..ada jalan penyelesaiannya nanti. Itu je yang aku mampu buat. Berdoa dan berusaha. Selain di tanganNya..

Current Read : Bicara Hati (Damya Hanna)
Current mood: Lost...

2202 hrs


~the best and most convincing way to tell lies is by telling as much truth as possible. ~

- came across the above here. Something to ponder upon eh..?

1404 hrs

[Lost..]

I'm on medical leave today. Was down with fever...ermm, or that is just my human reflex? Ntah.. But whatever it is, don't think I can go to this office in this condition. I need to sort out my feelings first. Feeling very, very lost now and at my wit's end.

Sekarang ni, nothing much can be done. Cuma berdoa padaNya.. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Tak ada siapa boleh menghalangnya..Apa-apa pun, I'm going for another trip soon. Hope this trip will sort out everything and everything will go fine.

Just hoping and praying...

1233 hrs

[Thoughts..]


This thing came spontaneously when the colleague sitting beside me was musing over her mistake (paying the wrong vendor).

"Can't be making this mistake. I must be perfect.."

I looked back at her,"Hey, you are human. You can't be perfect. You can't be human if you are perfect.."

"Eh, where did that come from..?" I mumbled next. She looked and smiled at me. The words must have strike her as much as it strike me.

eheh!

1907 hrs

Meant to blog yesterday. But my pc + mouse buat perangai Adding to it, I was feeling a bit disappointed yesterday. A teeny bit lah. Nevermind the cause. Maybe I'm a bit too sensitive lately. With the current situation I'm in - missing him so, so bad. So that's it. Shut off the pc and off to bed.

We managed to catch up a bit semalam when he was online at YM. Sempat gak tanya about the handphone he's been eyeing for quite sometime. But still..ermm..ntah. Still feel down after chatting with him. Still felt there's something missing. I must've had been missing him so badly. He did SMS saying he was going to call last night if he got the time. But a SMS later, saying he can't make. Going out with his cousin. Promised to call soon. And I hope really soon. Teruk sakit rindu ni..haha

Was just wondering about this last night - masa golek2 atas katil.. Keeping a blog like this is good. At least you got to let out everything out of your system. But sometimes I find that I can't be my true self. Penning down the truth, yes of course. But not the real truth - it's not that I'm lying. But it's just that I'm not stating down what I really feel. Because why..maybe someone who knows you personally is reading this. And it could hurt that person to really know you felt about them. Maybe you are angry or disappointed with that person. Right? You guys ever had such feelings? Well, you may said blog aku, aku punya sukalah! I might too. But it's just me. I've always been not too frank about my feelings. I will never said I'm hurt, angry or disappointed with so-and-so. Only those close to me will know. My mom knows. He knows. Actually it's not too difficult to tell. I will be quiet and keeping to myself. And if I'm really hurt, I will slowly pull myself away from the person who hurt me without actually voicing out what I feel.

ermm..enough said. I'm so transparent now eh..? ;)

Gotta go off now. Catching 3R. A show that tells me Monday is dawning soon, yet again..

So have a good Monday..hope I have a good one too..hoping he will call..please dear...

~I've learned that no matter how good a friend is,they're going to hurt you once in a while and you must forgive them for that.. ~ quote I picked in here

Didn't manage to catch Aflind Shauki @ HRC..bah!!

1923 hrs

ADA APA DENGAN CINTA...

Ada apa dengan cinta?

Cinta ada seribu satu macam rasa..

Yang sukar di tafsirkan..

Yang sukar di luahkan..

Cinta..

Sering punya alasannya sendiri..

Yang buruk kan nampak indah,

Yang cacat kan nampak sempurna..

Cinta..

Hadir tanpa perlu di undang..

Akan pergi tanpa di usir..

Datang dan pergi tanpa bicara..

Cinta..

Bisa membuat dunia di pandang indah,

Atau hilang segala warnanya..

Bisa tersenyum sendirian,

Atau menangis kekecewaan..

Cinta..

Hadirnya mungkin sekali cuma..

Tapi tak mustahil untuk kali kedua..

Cinta..

Berharga sungguh bagi yang menghargai cinta..

Tapi hanya mainan bibir untuk yang tidak mempercayainya..

Ada apa dengan cintaku..

Cintaku juga punya berbagai rasa..

Bisa membuat aku tersenyum..

Bisa juga aku menangis..

Namun sekali aku jatuh cinta..

Tak mungkin aku berpaling lagi..

Hanya DIA yang berkuasa..yang boleh mengubah cintaku..

Yang boleh mengubah cinta kita..

Tapi yang pasti..

Saat ini hanya kau yang ku cintai..

Saat ini hanya kau di hati..

Ada apa dengan CINTA..

Cinta itu rindu, sayang, benci, rajuk,marah dan sejuta rasa yang tiada terungkap..

C.I.N.T.A - Cinta Itu Nyata Tiada Akhirnya...

7.22 malam...

2121hrs

[Happy Birthday, Twinnie!]


Happy birthday to you..happy birthday to you..happy birthday to Nenny, happy birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you Nenny..! Hope you are happy with the prezzie. Actually meant to buy you something else, but dah rezki you kot! hee..

Well, that birthday girl was on leave today and she wanted me to come along. Sorrylah twinnie, did try to get a half day leave for you but not granted lah. So you had a good time? I bet yes, right..;)

Anyway, we celebrated her birthday last night. Just a simple dinnerlah. Nothing much from me to her. So happy birthday again eh..:)

Well, work stories..can? hee, nothing much actually. But I manage to clear a case which had been for quite a while with nobody can't or bothered to solve it. Thought I better clear it before my boss comes back tomorrow. Show her I've done something during her absence.

Oww..by the way, I got lucky yesterday. Won cash vouchers from e.genting. Good reason for me to go on another trip to Genting eh..? *winkz*

So anything else..ermm, he called yesterday. But nothing much to be said..or I just don't want to think about it..

Whatever it is, I really..really miss him so much..

Kenapa sering sahaja ada pilihan bila membuat pilihan itu bukan lagi satu pilihan..?

0000 hrs


You are an Angel! You love to guide Humans and lead
them on the path of ritousness and you love
white and peach. You dislike (you are to
heavenly to hate) Demons and you love being
around others. You love big cities because they
make you feel like you're not the only one out
there and you want to protect them.


(Pictures in results)What Mythical Being are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2328 hrs


[chatting with Nenny @ YM]

So sorry if my entries lately had not been that regular as before. And have been running out of steam. Don't ask me why..one minute I could be very hype up about everything and the other minute I will turn to this quiet and moody character. Well, partly coz my "motivation" is not back yet from kampung. It's been nearly 2 weeks. Feel so lost. And the other thing is I got a lot of my mind lately. Sampaikan I made some drastic decision. Tak nak fikirlah sekarang ni samada what I did betul ke tak. Let me face it when it really comes.

Finally, my grandfather's x ray results are out. He's diagnosed with cancer! What a real shocker,didn't expect it to turn out that bad. So now, he will be having the cancer lasered or ops. Just hope everything will be fine. Was quite worried and sad hearing he said this during our conversation this evening.."Entah sampai, entah tidak. Dari sakit gini, baik ambik je nyawa ni.." Baru je semalam, I was having this conversation with my grandma. Told her I want Grandpa to be there at my wedding, to become one of the witness. Before this, I was hoping our Tok Guru (he used to be by mom's guru ngaji)to attend my wedding coz that's what he always said when he come to our house for visits. But now that he had passed away, all my hopes are on Grandpa to be there on my wedding day. Panjangkanlah umur dia dalam kesihatan, Ya Allah...

I also realised that life is getting tougher for me lately. Makin meningkat usia, makin rumit hidup ni..

So..on a totally different note, what shall I get for Nenny on her birthday this Friday? Had this idea in mind..teehee..

Feeling so lost..out of missing you..

1225 hrs


Either you lied or you are EXACTLY what every good
man really wants! You are caring, you love
little children, you know how to show love, and
most importantly, you know how to recieve love.
You are going to make some guy a very lucky man
and you are going to be a great wife someday.

Am I marriage material (for females)?
brought to you by Quizilla

you are very likley to marry your sweetheart. you
are happy, and totally love eachother, and if
you WANT to be together, then just do it! you
will have a very loving marrage, and will
kindof be like "dharma and greg." if
you were an american pie couple, you would be
jim and michelle. you totally belong together,
and should be together at all costs

the marriage quiz
brought to you by Quizilla

Legolas! Ooooh so perfect!! And I'M going to marry
him so THERE! HE'S MINE!!!

The LotR Hottie Marriage Quizzie
brought to you by Quizilla

Yes, the quizzes had something to do with what me stating down today. Marriage..yeah, hot topic eh? Especially with someone who's around my age; the right and ripe age to get married. It all begins when yesterday, a very old neighbour of our family (we still keep in contact after all these years) called my mom to invite our family to their daugther's wedding. For info, our families had get to know each other since ancient times..before we were even born. Even though, we rarely meet except for once or twice a year but we are quite close especially us, the children. So their daughter's marriage came quite a shock to me..yeah, coz that kid is a few years younger than me..(we had this picture of both of us taken when we are botak..hee..) Urgghh! Not another one, I told myself. And as I expected, my grandma gave the umpteen-times-answered-million-dollar-question..so when's your turn? I just smiled and shrugged. Got no answer for it..eh..

Anyway, with this still in my mind this morning I also came to wonder what will happen if Nen get married soon? I will left all alone..hrmmpph..what am I to do? Just shrugged it off and get on with life..right?

Was it teeny hurt this morning with the sms I received..erm, nevermind. Let it be then.




I'm tired..

1615 hrs



You are "Nobody's fool". Exactly like the
name says, you are nobody's fool. You don't
live by anyone else's rules. You are the
epitome of an individual. You love to put your
personal touches on gifts. And want people to
remember you for the person you are, not the
image. People admire your courage and strength
that you posess to have your own style and
rebel against others bigger and more popular
than you. You will never be forgotten.


What Avril Lavigne song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla



Serious Avril


Which Avril Lavigne are you?
brought to you by Quizilla



Your Avril's Attitude Pic!


What Avril Lavigne Picture Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla



You are Arwen Evenstar. Maiden of Rivendell and
Lothlierian. She loves Aragorn and will give up
her immortality for him. She has to choose what
life she want's to live. She is wise and fair,
and will make the right choice.


Lord of the rings who are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

1301 hrs

Lunch time..just finish my lunch of packed rice (like as if I could have spagetti for lunch..hee..) Won't be staying long anyway. Got a lot to update, tonite maybe if this "ok-ok" mood of mine stay put.

Will be going off at 5 today. It's the "Eat With Your Family" Day we are having here. Sounds weird eh? hee..well, the ministry I'm working for took part in that event. It's just letting off the staff early to go home and have quality time with their families.

So work hard till 5 and I will have survive the week..

Dear..bila nak balik? Miss you so much..

[Blab..blab..]

1029 hrs

shh..it's office hour and I'm updating..hee..well, just feel like it. And I also got a lot in mind to blabber about..

Firstly, the long-awaited phonecall came in last night. But that is only after a few sms and miss calls. Said he can't called because there's bad reception over there and "line tak clear.." Oklah..ok, reasons accepted. I just want to know that he's alright there. And of coz, i missed him alot..We didn't talked long but long enough to sooth this bluey feeling out of missing him..Takperlah,better than nothing eh..? ;)

So that bluey feeling over and done with(even it's a teeny bit), don't know what came over me last nite but I suddenly blurted out to my mom that I was thinking of looking for a new job. She turned to me and suddenly said, "Kenapa ni? Kene buang?!!" "Eh,anak mak nie tak seteruk itulah..Sajer je, nak tukar angin. Nak kumpul duit lebih sikit."She immediately suggested working at her and my dad's current working place; at the hospital a walking distance from my home. They had suggested I worked there when I graduated from my diploma 3 years ago. But pride got the better of me at that time. And I'm also not comfortable of having my family working at the same place (my brother was also working there at that time). So I refused and take up this job. But now after nearly 4 years working here, I've had a change of heart due to some reasons. The same reason that drive me away from my previous job; backstabbing which would hinder me from future promotion. Other reasons being the distance from my home to the office (it's a 1 hour plus trip) and losing interest in what I'm doing now (it get to you if you are facing the same place and job scope for a period of time). So it's time to move..But still thinking have I make the right decision or it's just a sudden outburst? ermm..we'll see how this turn out later..But whatever it is, I'll just try out any job opportunities that I got for the moment.

This thing came to my mind yesterday after talking to a colleague of mine which was also my ex-senior (secondary school) 10 years ago. He's a guy by the way..;) Just discover the fact that he's the only dose I got for a Spore Guy..haha, that explain my disliking of Spore Guy..opss, no offence here eh. I don't know why I had this kinda of feeling for the SG. But not to all of them. Only a minority of them. It's this character/attitude of them that pissed me off. (don't ask me to explain what it is coz I could never put a word to it). But I don't hate them(my bros are SGs too and I don't hate them. They are nice guys..hee..),only I don't have a preference for them. So sorry SGs..but you never know eh, I could end up with them one day. (But pray hard not!) ehe..

Now what else..oo yeah, took a cab this morning. And you know what, the driver farted! Urhh..the smell could just killed me! That's why I just hate taking a ride with those old drivers. They usually had a badly maintained cab (seats torn, smelly interior). On top of that, bad driving. This driver drove off before I even closed the door. And he drive ever so slowly, trying to hike up the fare eh? And one more thing, he's not sure of the way..ahh, just can't stand taxi drivers who's not sure of the way to places. They are supposed to be drivers aren't they? I can excused them if the places are those "ulu-ulu" places. But the office I worked in is a government office and they should know that..bahh! Anyway, I got to work in time even if it's already a teeny late..

Think that's enough blabbering for that moment eh? I got to do something today to clear this conscience I've harbour for quite sometimes. Got to do what I got to do. Pray for me yeah..

1317 hrs


It's my lunch time now. Told you I'm always got the kick to update only during office hours..ehee, just wonder why.

I'm still not over the blues..aahh, still moping around, feeling down and blue. Coz he haven't call me yet, urhh! Just the sms yesterday which is only made up of a few words..ermm, please call me dear!

My feeling have been like a rollercoaster lately since he balik kampung. I can be feeling cheerful at any moment, but down the next. Can't take this anymore, i need a break..? Hopefully, I will be able to have the get-away next week. Insyallah.. So nothing much can't be done now, except to wait for that phonecall..urhh!

1307 hrs

Yesterday, was nothing much. Spend the whole day at home, moping around. Read book, watch tv, sleep. Didn't even do my laundry. Feel exhausted..ermm, wonder why..coz I'm lost my "energy" and "motivation"..erkss, is that so? Must be it lah..hee..Manage to catch "What Lies Beneath" (yeah, yeah..i know it's been so long but I've finally managed to catch it). And correct, it's very similar to the Bollywood movie "Raaz". Nothing so interesting about the movie. But it helped to pass the time which had been going ever slowly since he balik kampung. After the movie, read a book till nearly 2 am and still I can't sleep. Managed to sleep only nearly 3 only to wake a while later with nightmares..urhh! Falling asleep again around 4 am. Luckily managed to wake up this morning.


Anyway, rushing off home today to catch the 2nd last episode of "My Love Patzzi"..haha, become hooked to the Korean drama since my kl trip. Missed the Friday episod as I was out with Nen.


So worked hard and hope this bluey Monday end soon..?


Missing him badly..and it adds up more to the Monday blues..*sigh*

Dear, call me soon..i'm getting all kinds of ideas here..missing you so much..







You are Tank, from "The Matrix." Loyal
till the end, you spare no expense in ensuring
the well-being of others.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Survive Monday..bahh!!